it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
