The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My life is pants optional.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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