so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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