so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
