I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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