I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
