I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
