I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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