I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
