All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
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We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision