Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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