We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
