I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the day after is always just damage control
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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