idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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