dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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