I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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