im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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