I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
