I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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