just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
