I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
