oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
