you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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