she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
