I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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