Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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