God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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