So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
