There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
