I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
