Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
