I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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