Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Operation Purity has been aborted
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
