every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
