can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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