and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
