Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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