Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
