I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
