Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
