yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
