honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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