Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
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Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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