so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
