I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
