Three words: puerto rican gang bang
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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