My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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