Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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