Michael Bay diarrhea
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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