We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
