I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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