sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
