remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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