i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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