Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
