I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
